In Which I Learn about Myself

On self deception: I've spent several years now thinking I was a fairly transparent person, but the truth shatters that belief. Several people now have told me that I am a very closed-off person. My friends have told me that I remind them of characters in media that horde secrets for his own personal reasons while giving very little of himself to be discovered like Soma from Working!! or Petyr Baelish from Game of Thrones. I thought it was funny at first until this new girl at work started asking me what my first impressions of her were and then when I asked her what her's were of me she said that she thought I was reserved. She said something about thinking I played it close to the chest and kept a lot of secrets.

This is something I've been hearing a lot and I never thought it was true until it started coming from too many people I consider myself close to. Its kind of sad because I always thought I was transparent, but when I think about it, that couldn't be more untrue.  I don't really trust people. Telling them when I feel bad or embarrassed or ashamed feels like weakness. Sharing stories about how I really feel or things I've done feel like weakness. The best way I can describe how I see it is from an article I read which said that honor means keeping your mouth shut. You don't say bad things about the people you care about to people who aren't that person. Telling about a time when someone you loved felt ashamed or embarrassed over something is a betrayal. I remember when I was little my mom would tell things I talked to her about to extended family in another state and I always felt embarrassed about it, so I stopped talking to her about things I didn't want getting around.

It seems that this has become a life long habit. It doesn't all stem from that but its a major part. I always thought I was kind of a weird person, and when I shared something I thought was normal and found out it wasn't normal I felt sick. It just became easier to keep everything inside. Don't tell anyone anything became my default behavior. There's this fear inside of me that says, "If you share what you really think or who you really are you are going to fuck up your life in irreparable ways. Just shut up and think about everything before you say it." I'm still trying to fight it, but I'm becoming okay with realizing that this is who I am.

In Which I Confide

Its been a big week and a half. To start I finished Dollhouse after several marathon sessions and two consecutive shitty Sunday shifts at work and the arrival of the first good one of the new year along with some much needed new blood to spread out duties and take the burden from our backs.

On Dollhouse: Utterly amazing. I remember trying to get into this show when it first came out in 09 and making it 3 episodes before I gave up. My friend Eric has been talking about it for years though so I decided to take another stab at it and fell in love with so much of it. Truly amazing stuff and I should have seen it coming because I like a large amount of Whedon stuff.

On work: eh, drama drama drama seems to make up the day of the week where I'm in charge. First sunday two people thought we weren't pulling our weight and that caused some friction, and second sunday two people got into it that resulted in one taking a week off from work to get herself together. This sunday we got some new people and things are finally starting to feel okay. Those first two were so rough though that i started putting in resumes in other places. Part of it stems from the recent troubles but the other part comes from a desire to do something new. I feel like my life is at a pause and I want something to look forward to. Atleast with a new gig I'd have something going on. I don't really have anything worth mentioning to anyone lately.

On confiding: I don't really have anyone to confide in. There are a lot of things I think about and worry about and just stress over but I don't trust anyone to share that kind of thing with. part of me worries about it coming back to get me and the other part just feels like I can't trust anyone with how I really feel about the things that matter to me. Its always been an attempt to be self reliant and to push myself. I don't know. I'll keep thinking it over and try to come up with something.

In Which I become obsessed with Dollhouse

For the last few days I've been flying through Dollhouse season 1 and I love it so much more than I did the first time I tried to get into it. I initially saw the first 3 episodes but got bored and left it where it was while it was airing. This time, my friend Eric got me into so I tried it again with an open mind and quickly fell under the Whedon spell once again. I kind of hate it thought because the episode Epitaph 1 makes me think terrible things lie ahead for some of my favorite characters. Seeing Topher broken like that just breaks me a bit. And seeing Boyd leave Dr. Saunders chokes me up. I've been a Boyd x Saunders shipper since they had this one moment half way through season 1.